As I move through my work delivering training and facilitating conversations about family violence across Australia during the 16 Days of Activism, I’m often asked: “What’s the best response to the questions and statements about ‘Not all men’?”
This question comes up in training rooms, workshops, meetings and professional forums, from skilled and knowledgeable practitioners and family violence trainers who are grappling with the weight of this in a range of contexts. There’s often a weariness behind the question—a hope for that one definitive, succinct answer that could settle what has become an exhausting and polarising debate. But here’s the thing: #NotAllMen, as a statement or hashtag, doesn’t open the door to meaningful dialogue. Instead, it’s often fueled by conscious and unconscious biases, sparking a range of emotional reactions from a genuine lack of knowledge to the arrogance of seeking justification and deflection rather than meaningful discussion about the issues.
These reactions differ depending on personal opinions and professional perspectives, but the result is typically the same—stalemate. Worse still, deflection away from the most important work of creating and supporting safety with victim survivors and changework pathways with men using family violence. It becomes a standoff. No one truly “wins,” and the conversation rarely progresses. Instead, the debate festers in frustration, often played out in digital spaces where complexity is reduced to oversimplified soundbites.
After years of encountering this, my thoughts on the matter have become simple and clear. When someone asks me about #NotAllMen or makes the statement themselves, I respond with:
“I’m not discussing all men. I’m discussing men who use a pattern of abusive behaviours—and our collective ability and responsibility, as a community, to invite those men to change.”
To me, the real issue isn’t about defending “all men.” It’s about focusing on the men who use harmful behaviours and fostering pathways to accountability. It’s about addressing the broader social systems and attitudes that fail to interrupt these behaviours which then continue, unchecked, resulting in intergenerational trauma and a lack of sustainable change over the long term.
I don’t want to live in a world where we’re locked in perpetual arguments over whether change is necessary. Let’s live in a world where we invite those doing harm to change—where we shift the conversation from defensiveness to responsibility, from standoffs to solutions.
I’d like to be part of building a culture where the focus is on promoting safety as central, creating pathways of accountability, and undertaking sustainable changework.
It’s time for us to get on with #changework